Topic #3: YOUR PHOTO

I don't know if it's just that I'm incredibly shallow, but the very first thing I look for on a woman's dating profile is her selection of photos. If she passes this test it's only THEN that I read on to see if I like the sound of her.

One of the few advantages of internet dating (and also one of the main things I don't like about it, but that's another story) is that you get to present a perfect vision of what you think you look like. So don't rush it; take time to find some great looking photos of yourself. And if you don't have any, find a good photographer as, in the right hands, everyone can be made to look beautiful!

As I mentioned in this previous post, your profile will normally get the most attention when you've just joined a dating site, so take time to make sure it's good before you post it.

Anyway, here is a list of things to avoid when considering your photo options:


Having no photo

This is surprisingly common and I suspect that there are a number of reasons for it. The main one is likely to be because most dating websites vet photos before they are published to check that there's no nudity, nothing offensive, etc. (it's a shame about the first one). So until a real person has actually checked your photo, your profile text will appear alongside a photo of a giant question mark, or something to that effect.

But I have noticed that a large number of peoples' profiles remain like this for weeks, which isn't going to help you get dates. Perhaps some people think that their personality will shine through enough not to need a photo and that some incredibly un-shallow person will find them; unlikely. Maybe you don't want any friends or colleagues to recognise you on there? Well, if they do, the chances are that they're just as embarrassed about being on there as you are. Or maybe you're on there to spy on an ex/someone you've already been on a date with and don't want to be recognised. In which case, fair play.


An intimate pose with a large man

Be he an ex-boyfriend, just a friend, or a family member, it's intimidating seeing some humongous burly man with his arm around you. There's no way I'll ever be as strong as that guy (whoever he is), so you're putting weedy little me off getting in touch. Although perhaps that's the idea.

It's also off putting in that it makes me imagine that you're not very independent and that the only photos you have are of you and whoever you used to go out with.

Sometimes the faces of these men are blurred out or have a black square over them, which just makes my suspicions that he's an ex-boyfriend of yours even stronger.


A crowd

Ok, so you're surrounded by people at some exciting looking event: you're popular, I get it. But, like, which one is you?


In the distance

Similarly to the previous point, it's kind of nice to see what you look like. Or are you just incredibly small?


'Arty' photos that you've taken, which don't have you in them

A lot of people don't seem to realise this, but people like Robert Capa and Henri Cartier-Bresson didn't find fame thanks to being spotted by the head of a world-famous photo agency, who happened to be single and trawling internet dating sites to find the next big star in the photography world. Please stick to photos of yourself.


Surprisingly common clichés


There are a number of poses I have found to be surprisingly popular among the women on the dating site I use. These are: skiing (you're a showoff), wearing a false comedy moustache (you're not funny), white women wearing a bindi (you are a gap yaaaah bore), and handing out food to starving African children.

You'd be amazed how many women think these photos are a good idea. I think I actually once found a woman who had included all four of these in her profile.


Rolling back the years

Some women like to post photos of themselves looking youthful. This is fine if they are still youthful and the photo was taken say, no longer than a year ago. But I have been on several dates with people who bear very little relation to the photo shown on their profile and must have it in their heads that they still look the same as five years ago.

This is fine if you are intending to conduct an internet-only relationship (a la Catfish) but, assuming you may actually want to meet the person you've been courting online, the truth will eventually out. It makes finding you in a bar on your first date incredibly difficult. And hey, some of us may actually like the look of a more mature woman, so don't be afraid.


Other Notes

Some other common mistakes include: showing only one photo (which is not enough for anyone to go on to get a good idea of what you look like), or providing loads of photos, but where you look completely different in each one and it's impossible to tell whether it's really the same person (e.g. different hair colour/age in each).

Occasionally I find that the photo someone has selected as their primary one is average, then I click to see her full profile and discover that she looks stunning in all of her other photos. Jackpot!

In these cases I always want to send the woman a message telling her that, if she only swapped her photos around a bit, she'd be getting tonnes more messages from people. But then I think twice and decide to keep this to myself to lower any potential competition.

So it's up to you to experiment with this. Perhaps it's worth getting the opinion of a few trusted friends (preferably of the same sex as the one you're looking for) on how your profile looks.

Single Ladies (Keep a Ring off it)

The older I get and the smaller the pool of single women seems to become, the more I've found myself inspecting the status of a woman's ring finger (the one next to the little finger on your left hand, for those who don't know).

Until recently, I'd assumed that a woman wearing a ring on this finger was either engaged, married, or trying to put men off propositioning her.

But at a recent wedding (not mine) I was sitting opposite a woman who was there on her own, flirting with me, and wearing what looked like both an engagement and a wedding ring on that finger. Let's call this woman Helen. Not to keep her anonymous; just because I can't remember her name.

When the bride did the rounds and sat at our table, while admiring her wedding ring I loudly asked her whether she thought that I should generally assume that a woman wearing one of these was married. Let's pretend that I posed this question in a clever way, steering the conversation towards it, rather than just drunkenly blurting it out in the hope that Helen overheard us.

Helen, overhearing this, said "Oh, I suppose I should think about these things. I'm wearing a wedding ring, but it's not mine.", which just confused me even more.

I've since spoken to a couple of single female friends who wear a ring on this finger, unaware of the fact that men even look out for this.

This leads me to the following point: women, although men are generally totally unaware of most things, we do sometimes check whether you're wearing a ring on your ring finger. If you're single and not trying to put us off, please don't wear a ring there as this just confuses us.

Last night's date: a rant

Last night I went on a date with a woman from the internet dating site I'm currently on. We'd been sending lots of messages prior to meeting up, and the evening was good fun. She seemed really nice. A bit swearier than I'd been expecting, but intelligent, funny, good looking, etc.

When I got home I texted her to ask if she'd be interested in meeting again. Uncool to do this so soon I know, but I thought things had gone well and didn't see the point in waiting. I got a reply this morning saying that she'd fallen straight asleep when she got home, but that she'd like to meet up again.

I replied this afternoon suggesting some dates to meet, and have just received a message this evening saying that she's had a think today and just wants to be friends.

How bloody annoying is that?

One of the many things I dislike about internet dating is feeling the need to decide on the first date whether things have gone well enough to meet again. I'm guilty of doing this myself, and I think it's down to not wanting to waste the other person's time. But it's a real shame that it rarely allows the option for something to grow naturally.

Have you had a similar experience, or been the annoying person doing this? I'd like to hear your feedback!

Topic #2: YOUR PROFILE

Here is a list of commonly spotted annoyances in the profiles I've viewed (and an attempt at explaining why I find these so annoying):


'Here goes...' written at the start of a profile
I think part of the reason I find this annoying is due to the sheer number of women who write it. You're not about to bungee jump 60 metres off a bridge or tackle Fermat's Last Theorem. Internet dating is not that big a deal these days, so it makes you look a bit pathetic when writing this.


'I like nice things' (or similar)
I've seen this written a couple of times, along with variants such as 'I like having fun'. Err... and that makes you one in a million how, exactly?


'I work hard and play hard'
If you need me to explain to you why this is annoying, you've come to the wrong place.


Sounding like a tart (in the wrong way)
I recently saw something like this on a profile: 'Back for my third attempt on the site as, although I have a 'no romance in the office' rule, I keep breaking it!'. There's nothing wrong with making yourself sound sexually attractive, but we don't want to hear your history in that respect right from the off.


Off-putting words
These include things like 'sassy' 'bubbly' and 'banter'. I have seen all three used together, e.g. 'I'm a sassy, bubbly girl who loves banter'. And the worse contender of all: 'Lovin''. Any mention of this word makes me wonder if you studied English at the University of McDonald's.


Writing 'X' all over the place
I've seen 'X's (kisses) written in some funny places on internet dating sites. Putting one of these at the end of your profile (or even, in rare cases, in your tagline) gives the appearance that you will kiss absolutely anyone. You go to the supermarket and kiss everyone in the queue, then the person on the checkout. Outside, a homeless man asks you for money, and despite saying "No", you give him a kiss too. Store those kisses up for when you actually mean it.


Counting 'the gym' as a hobby
Having recently started going to the gym myself (against all odds) I can understand why people enjoy it. But it's not a hobby, unless you count breathing, blinking and reading the newspaper a hobby. If 'working out' or 'doing crunches' are the only things you've mentioned doing in your profile, it makes you sound very dull indeed. Photography, writing, doing crosswords, knitting, solving Fermat's Last Theorem; those are all hobbies. Even hiking, as it's physical exercise but sometimes with a social element to it, a pub at the end, the beauty of the countryside, etc. But not 'the gym'.


Poor grammar
Looking like you typed your profile in 10 seconds on an iPhone and missing out non-essential words makes you look like you're not that bothered about making the effort to find someone, e.g. 'Recently moved to LDN. Lovin' London life. Not into cats.' There's room to write a LOT more than that, and while I'm not suggesting you write your own version of War and Peace, at least make a bit of an effort!


Moaning about internet dating
Fair enough, as for the most part it is bloody annoying and seems incredibly unnatural to some people. But don't moan about it in your profile, for heaven's sake, as it's off putting, and makes you sound like you moan about everything*. This can be seen in guises such as 'I don't believe that a person can be summed up in a box of text', or 'Having failed at meeting people the normal way, I've resorted to this'.


Those last two paragraphs lead to an important point, and this is the case for all of the sites I've used: you get far more attention when you are new on a dating site. This isn't, for the most part, down to the fickle nature of humans, only wanting the latest thing. It's down to the way these websites are set up, in promoting the profiles of new members. So bare this in mind when you casually sign up and write something like 'I'll fill this bit in later' as you're actually wasting the incredibly brief period when people are checking you out in droves.

N.B. some text has been changed to protect the identity of the people who wrote these.

*Why not set up a blog to let off steam about it, for example?

Topic #1: LOCATION

I'm based in London and am looking to meet a woman who lives nearby. I'm sure this doesn't come as shocking news to you.

If you've not used an internet dating site yourself, the way most of them work is to assume you're looking for someone who lives near you, and will by default display such people as suggestions, which seems a fair assumption. This is of course something you can change if you so desire.

I recently received a message from a woman who lives in Newcastle, which was nice, but we both live in large enough places to (in theory) meet someone who lives nearby. So it made me wonder whether she'd been turned down by everyone in Newcastle.

But at least she was honest about where she lives. On occasion, while looking at the profiles of women who've listed themselves as living in London, I'll have got most of the way through reading about her, and then, buried at the bottom of her profile will be something like this:

"I currently live in Montreal, but will be moving to London in 3 months."

Fair dos, it's not easy meeting people in this fair city, but to start looking for a boyfriend EVEN BEFORE YOU'VE MADE A PHYSICAL EFFORT (and inevitably discovered that no one likes talking to strangers here), reeks of desperation. At least give it a crack first, love.

An introduction to myself

I have spent much of the past year, and on several occasions prior to that, using internet dating websites. I have been on plenty of dates as a result of this, which have all been good fun, but either I've not fancied them or they've not fancied me enough to go on a second date. So I am still single.

I'm using this blog mainly to vent my frustrations on internet dating, as well as to mention some of the things I've found amusing/annoying about it in the hope that this information will be useful to others. But it's mainly the venting my frustrations thing.